HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 26



HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 26

(Compiled by Subbaram Danda)

Humour contributes

spice, colour and sparkle to life

AIDS and Seniors

Many seniors are carriers of AIDS!

Surprised?  Yes, they carry

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

And possibly GOVERNMENT AIDS

They also have to put up with HIV – their Hair is Vanishing!!

(Adopted from a posting on a social network)

Mother-in-law’s Pride

The mother-in-law was all praise for her daughter-in-law Ramya.  “There is none better than Ramya in the entire neighbourhood.  Only three months since marriage, she has agreed to take me to a concert by world famous singer Jesudas.  This has been my life’s ambition and it is getting fulfilled only now thanks to her,” the old woman kept telling everyone she met.

This reached the ears of Ramya’s best friend Uttara.  She called her and said, “Ramya, what a dubious pal you are!  You have been talking ill of your mother-in-law and calling her names.  You have said you two are like Tom and Jerry.  But she is waxing eloquent on you.”

Ramya:  “You don’t know my strategy.  I continue to detest her every move.  The reason why I am taking her to the concert is that she has been repeatedly saying that she is prepared to lay down her life for a chance to hear Jesudas live.  I am providing her the chance.” 

                                                                                                                                     

Life Online

Daughter: “Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.   While I am in Australia, he lives in the UK.  We found each other on a dating website, became friends on Facebook and had long chats on Whatsapp.”

Father:  “OK, that’s interesting.”                         

Daughter: “He proposed to me on Skype.  We've had two months of relationship through Viber.  I want your advice on how we can proceed further.   We also need your blessings and good wishes."

Father: "Wow! Really!!  Then get married exchanging vows on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy things for your kids on Amazon and settle the bills through Paypal.

He added: “And if you get fed up with your husband, feel free to sell him on Ebay".

(This joke was shared by ace actor Amitabh Bachchan on a social network recently)

November 9, 2013

THE MOUNTAIN OF LIGHT : A Review

THE DANCE OF A DIAMOND

(By Subbaram Danda)

THE MOUNTAIN OF LIGHT,  a historical novel by 

Indu Sundaresan, author of THE TAJ TRILOGY,

Harper Collins Publishers India,320 pages,Rs.299

Internationally acclaimed author Indu Sundaresan’s latest novel “The Mountain of Light” is a historical fiction thoughtfully woven round the legendary 186-carat diamond Kohinoor and the turbulent ways in which it changed hands.  The author turns the reader into a curious witness to the unabashed manoeuvres and treacherous intrigues high and mighty kings indulged in to possess the dazzling diamond.  The urge to own it was so overwhelming that even a dreadful curse supposedly carried by it -- if worn on a crown, the Kohinoor would bring misfortune to the ruler -- was conveniently overlooked.

Kohinoor in Persian means a “Mountain of Light.”  It is how Persian King Nadir Shah exclaimed looking at it, when it came into his possession.  The diamond had its origin in the mines of Andhra Pradesh, India.  The first recorded mention of the diamond can be found in the memoirs of Mughal Emperor Babur, who received it from a Hindu ruler he had defeated.  After the Mughals, it slipped out of India and was with Nadir Shah for a while.  Later it was held by King of Afghanistan Shah Shuja and subsequently by Maharajah Ranjit Singh of the Punjab Empire.   Finally it landed in England to be presented to Queen Victoria.  Pruned down to 105 carats, the dazzling diamond currently sits on Queen Mother’s crown and can be seen in the Tower of London.

The novel opens in June 1817 at Lahore’s sprawling and picturesque Shalimar Gardens of Punjab’s Maharajah Ranjit Singh.  In a mansion there the Afghan King Shah Shuja and his wife, having lost their throne, have taken refuge.  In their secret possession is the Kohinoor.  In a vicious move, Ranjit Singh literally makes the two starve and wrests the valuable gem from them.  However, eventually he helps them win back their Afghan throne.

On the death of Ranjit Singh, four of his sons are killed in succession wars.  Six-year-old prince Dalip Singh becomes the heir to the Punjab Empire and the fabled diamond.  Waiting in the wings, the British annex the kingdom and take hold of the precious stone.  But under a strange treaty Dalip remains the empire’s Maharajah.

The story of how the Kohinoor is taken out of Punjab to England for presentation to Queen Victoria is fascinatingly told.  The veil of secrecy under which two high-ranking officers of the crown carry the diamond on board s.s. Indus from Bombay harbour, its shocking disappearance despite every precaution and its dramatic recovery have all the ingredients of a fast-paced thriller.   At the age of sixteen Dalip Singh follows the diamond to London, where he is well-received and pampered.

One has to acknowledge the enormous pains taken by the author to delve deep into the vast historical data, re-create a whole lot of apt situations, generate multiple flash-backs and put vibrant life into scores of characters to suit the complex storyline.  It is mind-boggling!   

The author frequently employs imagery in preference to simple narration for magical effect.  Lingering in the minds of the readers for long, for example, will be the scenes at the Buckingham Palace where Queen Victoria first grants audience to Dalip and the earlier visuals at the encampments on the banks of the Sutlej, where Governor-General Lord Auckland’s sisters are entertained by the Maharani of Punjab.

The book portrays sensitively how the queen endears herself to Dalip Singh and how he reciprocates.  During her first meeting, she tells him in all sincerity: “I am elated you are here after hearing so much about you…. You are such a striking boy….  I feel as though I could be your mother.…”  These terms of endearment continue for a while.

Human emotions come out vividly alive all through the novel.  Taking a look at the Kohinoor at the Buckingham Palace after it has been cut and reset in Amsterdam at the behest of the queen, Dalip exclaims: ”Where is the Mountain of Light?  The diamond cutters have taken away too much—this is not a mountain anymore, but a hill, a hillock, a mere bump in the horizon.”  He laments again silently: “It isn’t the Kohinoor diamond anymore, and it’s the last time I will hold this stone.  It doesn’t belong to me.”

Ultimately realization dawns on Dalip.  A touch of pathos is discernible when he wonders, “My father was the Lion of the Punjab.  Today, I am a mere mewling kitten.”  Years of distrust and dwindling hope overtake him.  He meets his end “in a shabby hotel in Paris.”   

The book also unwraps the scant regard some English personages had towards Indian rulers and the people.  Referring to the Maharani of Punjab, a sister of Lord Auckland says, “She’s a commoner, isn’t she?  The daughter of a cleaner or some such.…”  Even Lord Dalhousie, the later Governor-General, displays his lack of respect for Dalip.  There are several such instances.

Over the ages, clever efforts were made to circumvent the curse of the Kohinoor. It was recut and buffed up many a time.  It was also interpreted that it had no effect on women.  Some kings did not wear it on their person.  During the time of Mughal Emperor Shah Jahan it adorned the fabled Peacock Throne.  In later years Afghan King Shah Shuja and Maharajah Ranjit Singh had it embedded in an armlet.  Queen Victoria too simply followed the practice and wore it on her arm.  At present the diamond shines on Queen Mother’s crown!     

US-based Indu Sundaresan was born and raised in India.  Among her books, the Taj Trilogy (The Twentieth Wife, The Feast of Roses and Shadow Princess) portrays the glories and strifes of Mughal emperors and the bickerings behind the veils of their harems.  A television series on the Trilogy is planned.  Her works have been translated into 22 languages to date.

The present novel is a treasure trove for lovers of historical fiction.  If you have not seen the fabled diamond yet, “The Mountain of Light” will certainly prompt you to look for it in the Tower of London! 

1,050 words

October 20, 2013

HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 25

HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 25

(Compiled by Subbaram Danda)

"Learn to laugh at yourself.  It may come in

handy when trying to wriggle out of

an uncomfortable situation."

Foreign-employed Indian groom

One day, college mates Ramya and Asha were deeply engrossed in discussing Indian marriages and finally their talk veered round to selection of their own life-partners.

Ramya:  “I would like to marry an Indian boy employed in a foreign country, preferably in the west.”

Asha:  “Oh that sounds great.  So, you want to enjoy a lifetime of luxury.”

Ramya:  “No, no, that is not my idea.”

Asha:  “Then what?  Do you want to steer clear of the problems of a joint family system here?”

Ramya:  “Not at all.  I don’t mind living with my in-laws.  You know, in fact, young couples do need the help of the oldies at home -- to serve as unpaid watchmen, take care of the children and go on sundry errands.”

Asha:  “Don’t beat about the bush.  Tell me quickly what you have in mind.  I cannot stand the suspense.”

Ramya:  “Dear innocent, can’t you guess even this simple truth?  I know for sure that Indian boys, who have been staying in a foreign country at least for a few years for purposes of education or employment, would have learnt cooking.  And I understand that within a short span of time they become experts in the culinary art.    As you are aware, I don’t know cooking!”           



Teenage beauty

A snobbish woman past her fifties suddenly realized that she had to look younger, if she were to retain her popularity in social circles.  She went to a beauty parlour and engaged its chief cosmetologist in a probing conversation.  She wanted to know whether the parlour could make her look really young.  She would not mind paying any fee for that.

“Of course, we certainly can.  It is our business, madam,” he assured her and went inside.   In a few moments he returned flaunting the latest BB cream tube.  “If you apply this beauty balm to your face three times a day for a month, all wrinkles will disappear -- permanently.  It contains very rare Chinese herbs.  It is best suited for persons like you.”

The lady appeared unimpressed.  “I am interested in looking really, really like a youngster, she emphasized.  “I don’t think this cream will be of much help to me.”

The cosmetologist moved inside and after five minutes came back.  This time he brought a sleek bottle of a thick liquid and declared, “This appears tailor-made for you, madam.  Its main ingredient is slime from a rare variety of Korean snails and we have procured the cosmetic exclusively for our customers.   It is not available anywhere else in the world.   Rub it gently on your face with massage-like strokes till it soaks into the skin just once in the morning every day immediately after bath.  In a week your face will glow radiantly.”

The lady remained unfazed.  “Listen, dear cosmetologist, I want to transform myself totally into a teenager in every respect, understand?”   He cast a strange look at her, nodded his head and went inside again.

He returned after 15 anxious minutes carrying a pink coloured tube with lots of purple dots.  “Madam, this paste will certainly meet your requirements.  This has been made out of the excreta of an unusual species of red rats in Kenya.  Apply this twice a day for three days and you will certainly look like an energetic teenager.  You will surely develop pimples and freckles all over your face."

Untimely

This happened a few decades ago.  An international leader, who had endeared himself to people all over the world, fell to the bullet of a brutal assassin.  It sent shock waves all over the globe.  When the news reached Indian newspapers, it was late in the night and about time for the last edition to be sent to the press.  A reputed English daily decided to delay the edition so that it could present a photo-enriched exhaustive report on the terrible incident on its front page and also carry an editorial.

An Assistant Editor, who generally wrote editorials on foreign affairs, was woken up from sleep at his residence and asked to come up with a powerfully-worded edit at the earliest.  In those days computers and internet facilities were not available.  So, within half an hour, he dictated his edit over phone to the night-duty stenographer in the office and went back to bed.

It was a thoughtfully written, touching piece on the world leader with a heading “Untimely Death.”

The News Editor went through it with a satisfying smile on his face.  He was not, however, happy with the weak-sounding heading.  He asked the Chief Sub-editor to substitute it with a stronger one and send it quickly to the press.  This senior journalist, who had little time on hand, did a fast job.

Early next morning, the Assistant Editor, who wrote the editorial, picked up the newspaper thrown into his compound and anxiously looked into his contribution.  He was aghast.  The heading read “Untimely Assassination.”  

August 17, 2013



MUNNAR, GOD'S OWN HILL STATION

SPLENDOURS OF MUNNAR

A cool tea estate

We – myself and my better half – fell for the temptations of Munnar, the stunningly scenic hill station of Kerala.  We were there on a holiday from May 8 to 13, 2013.     Our stay at Sterling Terrace Greens, nestled in verdant surroundings, was gratifying.   It was an enchanting and cool experience, when my home city Chennai reeled under the scorching sun. 

Munnar, meaning three brooks, is at the confluence of three mountain streams.   Situated at 6,000 feet above sea level, it offered everything one would look for in summer – divine greenery all around, gently caressing breeze, occasional mild showers and mist-covered undulating hillocks in the background.   In particular, the tea estates on rolling slopes peppered with white oak trees, shola forests (thickets), varied spice plantations and exotic gardens were a visual treat.  The nature’s beauty was at its bountiful best and it could be savoured even while driving up the relentlessly winding ghat road to Munnar.   

Taking a leisurely stroll on a well-mowed lawn with neatly tended flower plants on the edges just in front of the reception block of the resort was blissful.  Lazing away the time sitting on swings or cane chairs placed at cleverly-chosen points on the lawn was indeed delightfully de-stressing.  Visits to sight-seeing places around the town, including a dam, tea factory, flower show, park and spice garden provided the staple tourist fare. 

Here are some photos of our Munnar visit:



A tea plantation





A scenic spot



A landscape with oak trees





At Sterling Terrace Greens an elephant sculpture
greets guests

The Reception Block -- a mist-covered hillock in the
background

In front of the Reception Block

Relaxing on a swing

This is not a watch tower but a high-rise platform
for guests to climb up and look around



A buggy to transfer guests to somewhat distant cottages





At the Tea Museum--the green leaves commencing
their journey to get processed



Tea leaves passing through successive
machines to get cut and turn into powder



At a horticultural show -- attractive flower beds



Amidst colourful blossoms

A wide variety of flowers in full bloom

The sun flower at its majestic best



At a spice garden--this is not a pineapple but a fruit-like
shoot used in decorations





A sharp-edged exotic flower

 

The reservoir of the Mattupetty dam--its waters are
used to generate hydro electricity







A boating site near the dam



The end of this post

MARVELS OF THE WORLD -- 23

THE SINGING STATUE

(By Subbaram Danda)

As tourist buses leave modern Luxor in Egypt and speed ahead on the highway towards the Valley of the Kings, two gigantic ancient statues emerge into view soon on a vast expanse of near barren land.  The vehicles stop for a while and the occupants step out to go near the statues for a closer look.  The two are the stone figures of the celebrated Egyptian pharaoh Amenhotep III.  One of them is reputed to have been a singing sensation once.

More than 3,400 years old, the statues were erected at the entrance of a sprawling 86-acre complex designed to be the memorial temple of the pharaoh.  It was intended in those days for the people to worship the king as “a god on earth” during his lifetime and as a regular deity after his death.  But for the statues, nothing remains today of what could have been the largest Egyptian temple complex. 

Seated on a throne with their hands on knees, the statues look eastwards.  The two soar to a height of 60 feet – as tall as a modern six storey building.  Each is estimated to weigh 720 tons.  The megaliths are about 50 feet apart.  Each statue was chiseled portraying the royal head-dress and the divine cobra on the forehead as was the pharaonic practice in those days.  But today the face of each statue is disfigured.

Morning music

An earth quake in 27 BC reportedly shattered the top portion of the northern statue up to the waist.  Since then, according to a legend, it was singing every morning!  This incredible feature drew huge crowds from far and wide, including royal celebrities.  People believed that the music would bring good luck to the listeners.  

The Greeks, during their reign, likened the music to the early morning singing of Memnon, a celebrated Ethiopean king in Greek Mythology killed in the Trojan War by Greek hero Achilles.  They called the statues the Colossi of Memnon.  This name has stuck even to this day.

Sometime in the later Roman era, the upper portion of the statue was restored. And with that the music stopped.

Was it music?  Some reputed visitors of that time said it sounded like strange whistling. Some held that the statue was wailing.   It was, however, later established that the sound was the result of water vapour escaping out of the fissures in the statue following the morning sun rays heating up the dews trapped inside overnight.        

Though the music has stopped, the fable has stayed on.  The statues of the Colossi of Memnon continue to draw huge crowds even today, every day! 

(475 words)

March 9, 2013 



MY TRIAD OF BOOKS

THE HANDSOME THREESOME

(By Subbaram Danda)

"THE RUSTLES OF PLEASURE," my third book, reflects, through ten short stories, the strange developments in a country on a trajectory of rapid economic growth. Many young women there, holding plum jobs and enjoying unbridled freedom, dare to tread on unchartered tracks to experience weird pleasures. In the process, they throw caution to winds and become unwitting victims of glitzy temptations.

The book also captures other social currents and cross-currents. It highlights how some established individuals resort to bizarre ways to decimate their rivals in a bid to expand their own business empires. Further, it throws the spotlight on the lifestyles of some persons, who take pride in splurging on exotic celebrations. The ten stories pack sparkling slices of reading pleasure for both the young adults and the seasoned seniors.

My immediate previous book titled "MARVELS VERY MAJESTIC" is a collection of special feature articles on twenty grand attractions across the globe, other than the celebrated Seven Wonders of the World.  They too evoke a high degree of awe and admiration in the visitors and enthrall them with their charm and grandeur.

The book offers a wide canvas of spectacular monuments from "The Sphinx" in Egypt to "The Forbidden City" in China, from "The Big Temple" in India to "The Opera house" in Australia, and from the "Statue of Liberty" in the US to "The Hermitage Museum" in Russia.  There are also those, which have a different appeal like the "Keukenhof Flower Show" in Holland and "The Undersea Chunnel" in the English Channel.  The wonderful creations presented in the book are a testimonial to the best the mankind has accomplished over the millennia--the outcome of vaulting ambition to showcase human pride and capabilities.

My first book is "THE HEIGHTS OF HUMOUR," where a reader can find hilarious flicks spread over three chapters under the heads--The Sparklers, The Chucklers and The Ticklers.  The first one exclusively features banter between husband and wife, while the others highlight funny incidents in every field of human endeavour.  Each joke is "a thing of beauty" and "a joy forever."

Happy reading!  

HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 24

HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 24

(Compiled by Subbaram Danda)

The secret of humour is surprise -- Aristotle,

Greek philosopher and teacher of

Alexander the Great

The best password

One day, a man and his wife started quarrelling over a trivial matter.   The man had forgotten to switch off the bathroom light as he came out of it and the woman would not forgive him for the lapse.   An explanation given by him would not satisfy her.

She launched a tirade against him recounting his history of forgetfulness.  He argued back but suddenly turned silent.

Watching all this was their ten year old son.  He could not put up with his mother’s diatribe.  He remarked:  “This is too much, mom.   You are making a mountain out of a molehill.  Stop calling him names.”

Then he looked up to his father and asked:  “Dad, you have always been assertive.  But, why have you abruptly become mum now?”

The man replied: “You know, when your mom becomes wild with anger, she comes out with choicest expletives.  Like a bolt from the blue I realized that her most abusive words could make excellent passwords for use on the computer.  Of late, I have been running short of them.  So without retorting I started listening to her carefully and remembering them.  I am happy I have been able to collect five unique offensive words from her outburst.  No one will use them as their passwords.”

Son: “Which is the best of the five?”

The man: “Maramanda (wooden brain).  This is one of the epithets she used to describe me today.”

The elusive search

It was 8:00 p.m.  A man rushed out of his house, stood on one side of the road and started looking at the sky.  He would not shift his gaze.  Five minutes passed.

A group of about ten persons gathered there and they too turned their heads towards the sky.  They could not see anything.  But they continued, like the man, to look in the same direction.  A few more minutes went by.

By now about 50 persons assembled there and began watching the sky.  Nothing could come to their view.  A couple of more minutes ticked by.

The man stood there immersed in his scan of the firmament.  A young boy approached him and asked, “What are you searching for?”

The man replied: “The moon.”

Unable to control his laughter, the boy said, “Don’t you know today is New Moon Day.  There won’t be any moon in the sky.”

“Oh, yes, I totally forgot that.  I am sorry.  I am a fool.” he said.  He hesitated for a moment and asked the boy, “But then, why these fifty guys are also looking at the sky?”  Without waiting for a reply from him, he quietly got back into his house.

Give and take

It was the time, when the “Pleasure of Giving” week was being celebrated.  In a school a teacher asked a student:  “Have you ever experienced the joy associated with the policy of 'give and take?'”

The student: “No miss.  But I would like to.  You please give me and I will take it.”

The entire class burst into laughter.  The clever teacher replied:  “Sure, I will give you a blow.  You take it and enjoy.”   The laughter grew louder.

(550 words)

December 15, 2012