Celebrate the Festival
of Lights not only with new clothes,
crackers and sweets but also with an
outburst
of laughter. Here is a pack of jokes
specially crafted for Diwali.
Unwrap it and enjoy.
Happy festivities!
DIWALI GUFFAWS GALORE
(By Subbaram Danda)
A woman sent a message
to her husband in office through WhatsApp:
“Hi, apply for a week’s holiday for Diwali. We are going to our parents place. My father called a short while ago and
invited us. Let us make it without fail. Treat it as very important.”
The man was
flabbergasted. It was the first time in five
years of his married life that he was getting an invitation to spend a week’s
time at his in-laws place. What was
happening?
As he returned home in
the evening, he could see his wife waiting eagerly for him. In a jiffy she fetched a cup of hot coffee
and enquired, “Has the leave been sanctioned?
I am very anxious.”
“Yes, yes, tell me what
it is all about. I am equally curious to know.”
She replied coyly, “As
you know, some days ago I sent them a packet of ‘badam halwa’ you prepared at
home for the Dasara festival and they liked it very much. In fact, they were ecstatic about its flavour
and taste. Now, they want you to make the
delicacy for them in their place for Diwali.”
The husband and wife
watched with great interest Bahubali-2 movie telecast by Vijay T.V. They had missed seeing it in a cinema hall
when it was released. The woman liked
the pearl necklace that the Queen Mother in the film sported. She asked her husband in an endearing tone,
“Hey, can you buy me a similar necklace for Diwali? I promise I won’t ask for anything
else.”
He did not want to
disappoint her. He replied, “OK, you are
getting it. Drive to our jeweller’s show
room and buy the one you like. You can
use my debit card. You know its PIN.”
After closely
inspecting a dozen pieces, she purchased one with pearls shimmering demurely
and returned home. With great pride she
kept showing it to her neighbours. One
granny wondered whether the pearls were real at all. That comment was enough for the woman to
doubt the quality of the pearls.
However, she wanted her husband to judge it, as he was a professor of
chemistry.
When he came back home that
evening, she checked with him and he promised to verify it in his college
lab. The next day, as he returned, his
face was beaming. He told his wife, “You
are an excellent shopper. I am proud of
you. You have bought a really genuine
pearl necklace. All the pearls got
dissolved when thrown into acid.”
Shocked, his wife
stared at him for a minute and went into the kitchen. The professor was next seen on a bed in the
orthopaedic ward of a hospital nearby.
A newly-married woman
was going through a colourful brochure that a leading textile firm produced for
Diwali and sent to its regular customers.
She paid close attention to every piece of dress illustrated in it. After a few minutes, she stopped turning the
pages and concentrated on a particular display.
“Beautiful,……beautiful,” she exclaimed.
Her husband sitting
next to her on the sofa was watching her silently.
“Take a look at
this. Let me have your reaction,” she
handed the booklet to him.
“Beautiful,…..beautiful,”
he too commented.
She expected that he
would offer to buy her the sari that a model there sported. But he did not. “That’s all?” she queried raising her voice a
bit.
“Oh, ya, I see… The sari with the floral design set in a rich
pink background is really beautiful.
Strikingly more beautiful is the model draping it. What is her name? I have seen her in the Bigg Boss reality show. She has emerged the most popular housemate,” he
went on. But, before he could complete
his narration he felt a big thud on his head.
He could not regain his consciousness for an hour.
A man wanted to avoid
accompanying his wife during her shopping errands for Diwali, as she would
spend hours to make just one selection.
A smart idea flashed in his mind.
He called his wife from
office and said, “Sweetie, I have good news for you. A famous textile firm has recently opened a
new outlet near our office. I intend going
there this evening. I understand it has
received fresh stocks of trendy wear for women. Tell me whether you want two grand
saris, two designer churidars or one sari and one churidar. Don’t worry about the expenses. I have this morning received my bonus.”
His wife (after a
minute’s pause): “Darling, it is very sweet of you. I leave the decision to you. Buy the ones convenient to you while
washing.”
A social activist to
his friend: “Delhi and the National Capital Region will have an almost noiseless
Diwali this time, thanks to Supreme Court’s order banning sale of
fireworks. But we in Chennai down south
are not that fortunate. Senior citizens
suffer most from noise and atmospheric pollution. Hundreds of birds also die out of shock from
noise during Diwali.
Friend: “Don’t worry.
You too can enjoy a near noiseless Diwali. It is simple.
Use only the crackers made in China.
Don’t you know Chinese products are sub-standard?”
Teacher: Give an
example for the idiomatic expression “burning money.”
Student 1: Investing
money in a stock market taking the advice of a girlfriend.
Student 2: Spending money
on imported cosmetics for use by wife.
Student 3: Lending
money to son-in-law.
Student 4: Withdrawing
money from the bank, buying crackers and setting fire to them for Diwali.
It is a common practice
for peons, janitors and watchmen working in Indian companies and government
offices to collect bakshis for Diwali from higher staff and officers. But this time the path-breaking and
innovative economic policies of the government are likely to add a new
dimension to the age-old custom.
According to reports emanating
from the corridors of power in New Delhi, the Central Government is considering
imposing GST on payment of Diwali bakshis.
A sign on the front
wall of a famous Godman’s sprawling ashram:
“Dear devotees, I have started giving my Diwali blessings well in
advance to help you avoid last minute rush.
You are most welcome with your offerings of cash and gold coins. No digital payments please, as I am
old-fashioned. Sorry, no sweets or
chocolates either, since I am a diabetic.
Of course, no flowers. Your
cooperation will please the God.”
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October 15, 2017
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