HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 13

HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 13

(Compiled by Subbaram Danda) 

"There is hope for the future,  because

 God has a great sense of humour."--

Bill Cosby,  American comedian 

Husband turns mod

A woman to her husband: “Hi, I have been watching you for quite some time.  You have been following your own old ways in whatever you do.  You should keep changing.  See your hair-style.  It is archaic.”

Husband: “OK, darling.  Tomorrow you will see me with the most modern hairdo, I promise.”

Next day he went to an ultra top-class saloon and came back after a high-fly hair-cut.  She was pleased.

After a year, his wife advised him again:  “You are making some progress but are still slow to change.  Look at your dress, shoes and watch.  They are all outmoded.  You should always look trendy.”

The husband switched over to new styles of wear, and his wife was very pleased.

Another year passed.  His wife was at it once more.  “Look here, my dear.  You should move forward on the fast-track.  Our car has become an antique piece, fit enough to enter the vintage club.”

The very next day the two went to the show-room of a limousine manufacturer to buy a model that boasted of brand new features.  The lady was most pleased.

A year later, the wife started preaching him yet again:  “I am happy you have picked up speed in looking for the latest.  But that won’t do.  Your outlook in life should also change keeping pace with the up-beat moves in the society….”

The husband interjected and said, “Yes, yes, you are absolutely right.  I wish to tell you that I am now in a position to appreciate your views.  Your constant brain-washing has totally altered my way of thinking.  I have now become the most sophisticated guy.  At present I am itching to change my wife – you!  I have been living with you for pretty long.  

Cardiologist’s prayer!

All of a sudden a cardiologist, known for his atheistic views, started visiting a temple every day.  This development raised many eye-brows among his patients and in his neighbourhood.

One patient asked a person, who is supposed to be in the knowledge of things, “What is the secret behind the doctor visiting the temple regularly now-a-days.  Is he currently treating any VIP, for whose speedy recovery he is praying so that he can get good publicity in the media?”

The person: “I don’t think so.”

The patient: “Does he want more and more patients to come to his clinic so that his practice can thrive?”

The person: “No, it is more personal.”

The patient: “Does the doctor want God’s intervention in getting a medical seat for his daughter?”

The person: “No, it has deeper connotations.”

The patient: “Why don’t you be more specific?” 

The person: “The doctor is not duly qualified.   People have started suspecting his bona-fides."

The patient missed a few heart-beats. 

Lord Vinayaka decides!

It was the time, when the fast of social activist Anna Hazare fighting for enactment of a powerful legislation to root out corruption in India entered the tenth day.   Talks between the Central Government and the activist broke down.  A break-through was not in sight.  Parliament proceedings came to a standstill.  As doctors warned about the deteriorating condition of the fasting senior, tension mounted everywhere in the country.

At this juncture, an independent observer had a dream.  In it, he saw a leading politician of the ruling coalition at the Centre going to a famous Vinayaka temple and praying:  “God, save the government from this worst crisis.  We appear to be in a hopeless mess.  Be merciful.  I will break 100 coconuts.”  Watching all this from a distance was a staunch supporter of Anna Hazare.   Somewhat enraged, he rushed to the sanctum and said with folded hands: “God, Anna should succeed in this monumental matter.  I will break 200 coconuts.”  (Breaking coconuts in temple premises if a wish is fulfilled is a traditional practice.)

Lord Vinayaka was amused.   He wondered, “How can anyone put an end to corruption in this country?”

August 27, 2011 (680 words)

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MARVELS OF THE WORLD -- 10 : CHUNNEL, ENGLAND AND FRANCE

CHUNNEL : UNDER-SEA ADVENTURE

(By Subbaram Danda)



Zooming ahead in a super fast train under the sea for the first time will certainly be a fond desire of any one.  It is no longer an extravagant fantasy but a thrilling reality.    Eurostar, the top speed rail-line, offers this unique opportunity.  The train thunders under the English Channel through specially-designed tunnels connecting London in England with Paris in France at a mind-boggling velocity of 215 kilometres an hour on an average.  The rail-line has other core destinations and connections as well.

The journey is a distinctive and delightful experience.  At the station one enters an elegantly-designed carriage with high expectations tinged with some inexplicable fears.  As the train starts gently, picks up momentum and roars overland past urban landscapes and rural scenes, one looks forward to the moment of entering the tunnel.  It takes place in an astonishingly seamless fashion.  The initial reservations gradually give way to an elated feeling of fulfillment.  The train pierces through the seabed in a secure tube and whizzes forward at an average depth of 145 feet.  One can see walls of the tunnel speeding in the opposite direction in an optical illusion.  It is indeed sheer exhilaration! 

 Eurostar high speed train that travels under the English Channel 

The concept of travel under the sea through tunnels has been a daring dream that found expression as early as in the era of Napoleon, the famous French emperor of the early 19^th century.  But nothing concrete emerged.  Only in late 1970s, work on the current system began but it too had a roller-coaster ride.  It was finally completed in 1993.   One of the largest projects of the 20^th century, its total cost was $21 billion, the most expensive construction in the world at that time. 

Engineering wonder

An engineering marvel of daunting dimensions, the “Tunnel under the Channel,” popularly known as the Chunnel, consists of three tunnels – two tubes of 25 feet in diameter for trains and a smaller middle one of 16 feet for service purposes.  The American Society of Civil Engineers has selected the Chunnel as “one of the Seven Wonders of the Modern World.”

In May 1994 the Chunnel service was formally inaugurated for business in a dedication ceremony participated by British Queen Elizabeth II and French President Francois Mitterrand.  Eurostar takes just 2 hours and 15 minutes to complete its travel between London and Paris – a distance of about 500 km.  Of this, the length of the Chunnel segment is about 50 km and the time taken to cover it is 20 minutes. 

The beauty of the Chunnel system is that it combines the concept of a novel under-sea journey with the idea of a high speed train travel.   It is a great success story.  Tour operators take pride in describing the Chunnel journey as “a lifetime experience” and love to include it in every itinerary.

Floating trains

But, in recent years what has really revolutionized train travel in the world is the introduction of ultra high speed trains employing the technology of magnetic levitation (maglev).  These trains really float!

Magnetic fields created by electrified coils lift the trains up to ten centimeters above a platform-like “guideway” and propel them.  Thus they literally float over a cushion of air eliminating friction.  And lack of this resistance and aerodynamic design of the trains allow them to attain “unprecedented speeds” of more than 500 km an hour!  These trains do not have wheels nor are there conventional rail tracks.

A maglev connecting China’s Shanghai international airport and a downtown station is the first viably operated system in the world that has been in operation since 2003.  Running at an average velocity of 240 km per hour and touching a maximum of 430 km an hour en route, it clocks less than eight minutes to cover a distance of 30 km against an hour in a taxi.  Plans are afoot to extend it.   In Japan there is an “urban maglev” since March 2005.  Several other countries have also been experimenting with maglevs and their projects are in different stages of completion. 

Chinese Maglev - See the "guideway" also on the right forefront

Japan and bullets

In recent decades, the development and growth of the overland super fast trains themselves have been fascinating.  Though research and tests had been going on in many countries for long, it is Japan that really took the lead in introducing these trains commercially.

Trains capable of travelling at a high velocity of 200 km per hour or more have come to be known as bullet trains.   In fact, bullet is the name coined by the western countries, which figuratively likened its speed to that of a bullet.  In Japan, the train is called Shinkansen, meaning “New Trunk Line.”  The first bullet rolled out in October 1964 in time for the Tokyo Olympics, and since then the system has seen rapid development and expansion.

The fastest of all the Shinkansen services is the Nozomi train, which travels at a maximum of 300 km per hour, covering a distance of 515 km between Tokyo and Osaka in 2.5 hours.  It is roughly the same distance as between Chennai and Mysore in India.    In Japanese, the word Nozomi means hope.  The country has other services too – Hikari (light), the second fastest, and Kodama (echo), the third.

People visiting Japan love and cherish their journey in a bullet for its sheer super speed and cozy comfort.  Luxurious seats, posh interiors, soothing lights and courteous service in an exciting ambience heighten the pleasure of travel.   Today, bullet has become synonymous with any super high speed train and such services are available in several countries, including France, Britain, China, Germany, Spain, Italy, South Korea, Russia and the United States.

Chinese strides

Among the nations, which have made extra-ordinary strides in recent years in putting bullets into service, is China.  As of June 2011, the country has the world’s longest high speed rail network of about 9,676 km of routes in service.  The Beijing-Shanghai top speed train inaugurated in June 2011 completes the 1,318 km journey in less than five hours.

Train travel in many countries is all set to undergo a dramatic transformation and emerge more romantic with exciting features.   It will be a fait accompli sooner than later.

August 20, 2011 (1,047 words)

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HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 12

HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 12

(Compiled by Subbaram Danda)

There is a laughing bird, seen in some parts of Australia and perhaps elsewhere too.   Called Kookaburra, it looks like an Indian sparrow but is of the size of a crow.  With a white body its feathers are generally brown in colour.   When it lets out shrieks, they sound like human laughter.   That is it!

Kookaburra

Your ‘worries’ welcome!

A display advertisement carried prominently on the front page of a newspaper said:  “Ours is a new medico-social-legal consultancy organization designed to run on most modern lines.  We offer totally different but satisfying solutions to all your problems, whatever they are.”

It went on: “We employ non-traditional management techniques to produce the desired results.  This service is the first of its kind in the country.”

The last paragraph of the ad was more attractively presented.  “Without any hesitation leave all your worries with us and go back relaxed.  We open our doors at the Special Activities Mall, Ground Floor, tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.  You are most welcome.”

The next day, even before the inaugural hour, there was a long queue of women with their husbands in tow.  When they were let in, they told the receptionist that they had come to leave their “worries” there.

Lawyers galore

Applicants for admission into a law college were called for a final interview.  The principal called them one after another for a one-on-one session.   He wanted to know what opinion they had about the practitioners of the legal profession.

The principal to applicant 1:  According to you, who is an honest lawyer?

Applicant 1:  It is the highly knowledgeable lawyer who knows in and out various enactments and precedent-setting judgments but does not earn sufficiently.  

The principal to applicant 2:  Who is a practical lawyer?

Applicant 2:  It is the pleader, who does not know his subject and fumbles often while arguing but is shrewd enough to have plans to become a politician at the appropriate time.

The principal to applicant 3: Who is a fabulous lawyer?

Applicant 3: It is the solicitor, who charges his client exorbitantly and ultimately files his bankruptcy petition as well.

The principal to applicant 4:  Who is a brilliant lawyer?

Applicant 4:  It is the attractive lady advocate, who captivates the male judge with her stunning looks, manages to get frequent adjournments and charges her client for every appearance.

The principal to applicant 5:  Who is a real lawyer?

Applicant 5:  It is the attorney, who is a close friend of the judge.

Wife’s talents

A young man was known for his atheist views.  He used every opportunity to decry people, who talked about saints and God.   He spoke derisively of the concepts of sin and hell, noble deeds and heaven.  “Religion is the abode of good-for-nothing people,” he proclaimed vituperatively several times.

He fell in love with a beautiful girl, who was deeply religious, and married her.  People wondered how they would get along and how long their marriage would last.

But, soon there was a perceptible change in the man.  He became chastened and mellowed down.  All his hyperbolic talk had gone.   Surprised, his neighbours concluded that the talents of his highly devout wife were responsible for this change.  

One day, a friend talked to him openly and said, “We should appreciate your wife’s skills.  She has been able to change your attitude towards religion thoroughly.”

The young man replied, “I don’t know.  But after marriage I realized what hell is all about.   Now I do believe that there is what is called hell.”  

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MARVELS OF THE WORLD -- 09 : RED FORT OF DELHI, INDIA

RED FORT OF DELHI : GLORY LOST AND REGAINED

(By Subbaram Danda)

The Red Fort of Delhi, India, is a magnificent citadel-cum-palace complex on the west bank of the Yamuna built by Mughal emperor Shah Jahan in the 17^th century, when he shifted his capital from Agra.   Its elegance stems, according to UNESCO, from “Mughal creativity” and the Persian, European and Indian architectural traditions.  It derives its name from the red sandstone used for walls, gates and some structures inside.

In the complex ornate pillar-supported halls, deftly developed marble palaces, water channels flowing through several pavilions, elaborately decorated baths, tastefully laid gardens and a private mosque reflect the regal splendour of the Mughal monarchs.  The mansions of red stone and white marble, set against green lawns, blue sky and colourful flower beds, present a mesmerizing scenario.

Red Fort of Delhi

Visual treat

One of the most striking buildings in the complex is Diwan-i-Am, Red Fort’s Hall of Public Audience, where Mughal emperors held court.  Its sandstone columns in rows supporting graceful arches are a visual treat.  An imposing feature of the hall is the richly embellished marble throne-platform, where the emperor sat in state, with a canopy above displaying dainty decorations.  Behind this platform are a series of panels with floral and avian designs in pietra dura (mosaic-like artwork created by inlaying multi-coloured precious stones in white marble).  Noteworthy is a panel depicting lute-playing Orpheus, the legendary Greek musician capable of charming even beasts and stones.   In the courtyard in the front common people congregated, while the nobility filled the main hall.

The outstanding edifice in the fort is Diwan-i-Khas, the Hall of Private Audience, where the emperor used to have consultations with his ministers, officials and dignitaries.   It is a pavilion of glistening white marble with intricately etched pillars and attractively designed arches.  It had a ceiling of silver.  Shah Jahan was so overwhelmed with joy by the beauty of the hall that he got inscribed on it in letters of gold the verse of the famous Urdu poet Amir Khusro -- “If there is a Paradise on earth, it is here, it is here, it is here.”

Peacock throne

It is in this bewitching building that the famous Peacock Throne once stood. Built for Shah Jahan in the 17^th century, it was reportedly “one of the most glittering thrones ever made.”  With silver steps for the monarch to ascend, it rested on golden feet set with gems.  At the back were figures of two peacocks with their tails spread out.  They were gilded, enamelled and inlaid with sapphires, emeralds, rubies and pearls.   Among the precious stones decorating the throne was reportedly the reputed 186-carat Kohinoor diamond!

After Shah Jahan’s son Aurangzeb usurped the state from his own father, he and his successive rulers came into possession of the throne.  In 1739 Persian monarch Nadir Shah overran the Mughal empire, defeating the then king Muhammed Shah, looted Delhi and took the Peacock Throne and other treasures to Persia.  Later he went on a campaign against Kurdish tribesmen and was assassinated.  In the ensuing chaos the fabled throne was stripped and plundered.

Diwan-i-Am: Rows of sandstone columns

supporting ornate arches (Photo courtesy: weforanimals.com)

The next mansion of interest in the Red Fort is Rang Mahal (Palace of Colours), whose interiors were originally in rich hues.  It consists of a main hall and vaulted chambers.  This was probably the sitting room of the royal ladies.  A highlight here is a wide marble basin at the centre of the floor, whose bottom displayed floral motifs.   A channel of water called Nahr-i-Bihist (Canal of Paradise) ran through the basin and made its way to other pavilions.

Vapour baths and scented showers

Royal Hammams (baths) have occupied a place of pride in the Red Fort complex.  Consisting mainly of three apartments, they are known for their marble floors embellished with pietra dura artwork.  They had facilities for hot vapour baths and scented showers. 

The Khas Mahal is the exclusive palace of the emperor, divided into three sections – the sitting apartment, the “dream chamber” (ostensibly for sleeping) and the prayer room – with lavish walls and painted ceilings.   Attached to the Khas Mahal is an octagonal tower, where the emperor used to stand and present himself to his people on the ground below.  Besides, he and his princes used to watch from there elephant fights and such other events.

Near the Hammams is Moti Masjid (Pearl Mosque) built by Aurangzeb for his own and royal inmates’ use.   The prayer hall is surmounted by three bulbous domes, originally copper plated. The over-ornate style of the mosque has received some critical comments.   

Though the decline and fall of the Mughals led to neglect and decadence of the Red Fort’s structures and though the later British rulers used it for military purposes, its glory came to the fore once again in full force in independent India.  Elaborate and extensive restoration and renovation work has brought back its old eminence.   A national monument, Red Fort is now a major tourist attraction for laymen as well as celebrities.   Together with an adjoining old citadel the fort received UNESCO’s World Heritage Site status in 2007.

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