Sunday 15 October 2017

SPARKLERS OF A HILARIOUS KIND




Celebrate the Festival of Lights not only with new clothes, 
crackers and sweets but also with an outburst
 of laughter.  Here is a pack  of jokes
 specially crafted for Diwali. 
    Unwrap it and enjoy.   
   Happy festivities!   




DIWALI GUFFAWS GALORE
(By Subbaram Danda)




A woman sent a message to her husband in office through WhatsApp:  “Hi, apply for a week’s holiday for Diwali.  We are going to our parents place.  My father called a short while ago and invited us.  Let us make it without fail.   Treat it as very important.”

The man was flabbergasted.  It was the first time in five years of his married life that he was getting an invitation to spend a week’s time at his in-laws place.  What was happening?

As he returned home in the evening, he could see his wife waiting eagerly for him.  In a jiffy she fetched a cup of hot coffee and enquired, “Has the leave been sanctioned?  I am very anxious.”

“Yes, yes, tell me what it is all about. I am equally curious to know.”

She replied coyly, “As you know, some days ago I sent them a packet of ‘badam halwa’ you prepared at home for the Dasara festival and they liked it very much.  In fact, they were ecstatic about its flavour and taste.  Now, they want you to make the delicacy for them in their place for Diwali.”
 






The husband and wife watched with great interest Bahubali-2 movie telecast by Vijay T.V.   They had missed seeing it in a cinema hall when it was released.  The woman liked the pearl necklace that the Queen Mother in the film sported.  She asked her husband in an endearing tone, “Hey, can you buy me a similar necklace for Diwali?  I promise I won’t ask for anything else.” 

He did not want to disappoint her.  He replied, “OK, you are getting it.  Drive to our jeweller’s show room and buy the one you like.  You can use my debit card.  You know its PIN.”

After closely inspecting a dozen pieces, she purchased one with pearls shimmering demurely and returned home.  With great pride she kept showing it to her neighbours.  One granny wondered whether the pearls were real at all.   That comment was enough for the woman to doubt the quality of the pearls.   However, she wanted her husband to judge it, as he was a professor of chemistry. 

When he came back home that evening, she checked with him and he promised to verify it in his college lab.  The next day, as he returned, his face was beaming.  He told his wife, “You are an excellent shopper.  I am proud of you.  You have bought a really genuine pearl necklace.  All the pearls got dissolved when thrown into acid.”

Shocked, his wife stared at him for a minute and went into the kitchen.  The professor was next seen on a bed in the orthopaedic ward of a hospital nearby.







A newly-married woman was going through a colourful brochure that a leading textile firm produced for Diwali and sent to its regular customers.    She paid close attention to every piece of dress illustrated in it.  After a few minutes, she stopped turning the pages and concentrated on a particular display.  “Beautiful,……beautiful,” she exclaimed.  

Her husband sitting next to her on the sofa was watching her silently.

“Take a look at this.  Let me have your reaction,” she handed the booklet to him.

“Beautiful,…..beautiful,” he too commented.

She expected that he would offer to buy her the sari that a model there sported.  But he did not.  “That’s all?” she queried raising her voice a bit.

“Oh, ya, I see…  The sari with the floral design set in a rich pink background is really beautiful.  Strikingly more beautiful is the model draping it.  What is her name?  I have seen her in the Bigg Boss reality show.  She has emerged the most popular housemate,” he went on.  But, before he could complete his narration he felt a big thud on his head.  He could not regain his consciousness for an hour. 








A man wanted to avoid accompanying his wife during her shopping errands for Diwali, as she would spend hours to make just one selection.  A smart idea flashed in his mind. 

He called his wife from office and said, “Sweetie, I have good news for you.  A famous textile firm has recently opened a new outlet near our office.  I intend going there this evening.  I understand it has received fresh stocks of trendy wear for women. Tell me whether you want two grand saris, two designer churidars or one sari and one churidar.  Don’t worry about the expenses.  I have this morning received my bonus.”

His wife (after a minute’s pause): “Darling, it is very sweet of you.  I leave the decision to you.  Buy the ones convenient to you while washing.”




A social activist to his friend: “Delhi and the National Capital Region will have an almost noiseless Diwali this time, thanks to Supreme Court’s order banning sale of fireworks.  But we in Chennai down south are not that fortunate.  Senior citizens suffer most from noise and atmospheric pollution.  Hundreds of birds also die out of shock from noise during Diwali.

Friend:  “Don’t worry.  You too can enjoy a near noiseless Diwali.  It is simple.  Use only the crackers made in China.  Don’t you know Chinese products are sub-standard?”







Teacher: Give an example for the idiomatic expression “burning money.”
Student 1: Investing money in a stock market taking the advice of a girlfriend.
Student 2: Spending money on imported cosmetics for use by wife.
Student 3: Lending money to son-in-law.
Student 4: Withdrawing money from the bank, buying crackers and setting fire to them for Diwali.

 

It is a common practice for peons, janitors and watchmen working in Indian companies and government offices to collect bakshis for Diwali from higher staff and officers.  But this time the path-breaking and innovative economic policies of the government are likely to add a new dimension to the age-old custom. 

According to reports emanating from the corridors of power in New Delhi, the Central Government is considering imposing GST on payment of Diwali bakshis.







A sign on the front wall of a famous Godman’s sprawling ashram:  “Dear devotees, I have started giving my Diwali blessings well in advance to help you avoid last minute rush.  You are most welcome with your offerings of cash and gold coins.  No digital payments please, as I am old-fashioned.   Sorry, no sweets or chocolates either, since I am a diabetic.  Of course, no flowers.  Your cooperation will please the God.”

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October 15, 2017
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