HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 25
(Compiled by Subbaram Danda)
"Learn to laugh at yourself. It may come in
handy when trying to wriggle out of
an uncomfortable situation."
Foreign-employed Indian groom
One day, college mates Ramya and Asha were deeply engrossed in discussing Indian marriages and finally their talk veered round to selection of their own life-partners.
Ramya: “I would like to marry an Indian boy employed in a foreign country, preferably in the west.”
Asha: “Oh that sounds great. So, you want to enjoy a lifetime of luxury.”
Ramya: “No, no, that is not my idea.”
Asha: “Then what? Do you want to steer clear of the problems of a joint family system here?”
Ramya: “Not at all. I don’t mind living with my in-laws. You know, in fact, young couples do need the help of the oldies at home -- to serve as unpaid watchmen, take care of the children and go on sundry errands.”
Asha: “Don’t beat about the bush. Tell me quickly what you have in mind. I cannot stand the suspense.”
Ramya: “Dear innocent, can’t you guess even this simple truth? I know for sure that Indian boys, who have been staying in a foreign country at least for a few years for purposes of education or employment, would have learnt cooking. And I understand that within a short span of time they become experts in the culinary art. As you are aware, I don’t know cooking!”
Teenage beauty
A snobbish woman past her fifties suddenly realized that she had to look younger, if she were to retain her popularity in social circles. She went to a beauty parlour and engaged its chief cosmetologist in a probing conversation. She wanted to know whether the parlour could make her look really young. She would not mind paying any fee for that.
“Of course, we certainly can. It is our business, madam,” he assured her and went inside. In a few moments he returned flaunting the latest BB cream tube. “If you apply this beauty balm to your face three times a day for a month, all wrinkles will disappear -- permanently. It contains very rare Chinese herbs. It is best suited for persons like you.”
The lady appeared unimpressed. “I am interested in looking really, really like a youngster, she emphasized. “I don’t think this cream will be of much help to me.”
The cosmetologist moved inside and after five minutes came back. This time he brought a sleek bottle of a thick liquid and declared, “This appears tailor-made for you, madam. Its main ingredient is slime from a rare variety of Korean snails and we have procured the cosmetic exclusively for our customers. It is not available anywhere else in the world. Rub it gently on your face with massage-like strokes till it soaks into the skin just once in the morning every day immediately after bath. In a week your face will glow radiantly.”
The lady remained unfazed. “Listen, dear cosmetologist, I want to transform myself totally into a teenager in every respect, understand?” He cast a strange look at her, nodded his head and went inside again.
He returned after 15 anxious minutes carrying a pink coloured tube with lots of purple dots. “Madam, this paste will certainly meet your requirements. This has been made out of the excreta of an unusual species of red rats in Kenya. Apply this twice a day for three days and you will certainly look like an energetic teenager. You will surely develop pimples and freckles all over your face."
This happened a few decades ago. An international leader, who had endeared himself to people all over the world, fell to the bullet of a brutal assassin. It sent shock waves all over the globe. When the news reached Indian newspapers, it was late in the night and about time for the last edition to be sent to the press. A reputed English daily decided to delay the edition so that it could present a photo-enriched exhaustive report on the terrible incident on its front page and also carry an editorial.
An Assistant Editor, who generally wrote editorials on foreign affairs, was woken up from sleep at his residence and asked to come up with a powerfully-worded edit at the earliest. In those days computers and internet facilities were not available. So, within half an hour, he dictated his edit over phone to the night-duty stenographer in the office and went back to bed.
It was a thoughtfully written, touching piece on the world leader with a heading “Untimely Death.”
The News Editor went through it with a satisfying smile on his face. He was not, however, happy with the weak-sounding heading. He asked the Chief Sub-editor to substitute it with a stronger one and send it quickly to the press. This senior journalist, who had little time on hand, did a fast job.
Early next morning, the Assistant Editor, who wrote the editorial, picked up the newspaper thrown into his compound and anxiously looked into his contribution. He was aghast. The heading read “Untimely Assassination.”
August 17, 2013
