HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 22

HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 22

(Compiled by Subbaram Danda)

"Humour"  appeals  to people  in  different ways.   A 67-year-old

retired woman professor of geography in Coimbatore,India,

has been "collecting jokes" of every kind  from various

publications for the past thirty years. Her thirteen

scrapbooks  have 10,000  clips of  cartoons,

printed  comics  and  hilarious  ads.

What a miss!

“I am a free bird,” exclaimed a young man, whose recently-married wife had just stepped out heading for her parents’ house on a month’s visit leaving him alone.  “I can now indulge in gastronomical luxuries,” he mused feeling excited.

He had asked for a cook from a service provider and waited for her with bated breath.   A knock on the door and there she was.

“Sir, I have excellent testimonials and my specialty is preparing homely food.  Please let me know what dishes your wife has been preparing and to what specifications.  I will assure you I can prepare them to the same standards.”

The man was looking for new tastes and new varieties but the cook was firm that she should first know what had been cooked at home.

“If you insist,” the man said, “I will tell you what I have been eating – half-steamed idlis, badly roasted dosas, flat puris, acrid-tasting uppuma, semi solid cooked rice, bland sambar and salty curries.   The only item that I relished was water."

“Why is it so, sir,” the stunned cook asked.

“My wife has been a pampered girl since her childhood and she has never been in a kitchen.  But, here she toils hard.”  He hastened to add, “I don’t blame her.  She is a nice girl alright.  I am sure she will pick up sooner than later.”

The cook took pity on such a good soul and prepared what all he wanted with excellent taste and flavour.  He felt he was in a fantasy world, eating her food to his heart’s content and enjoying it thoroughly.    One evening he invited his friends for dinner and they all had a delectable feast.  “Your wife should prolong her stay with her parents by at least another month,” they wished.

One morning after a fortnight the calling bell rang and his wife appeared unannounced with bag and baggage.   Shocked but sporting an artificial smile on his face he called her in.

“I could not be with my parents for long leaving you to fend for yourself and I am sure you would have missed me too,” she crooned.  “Of course, of course,” he muttered and words struggled to come out of his mouth.

The afternoon ‘Kolaveri’

A young housewife received an SMS one afternoon from her husband – “Why this Kolaveri di?”  She was amused.  To her surprise the messages kept coming every day.  She asked her husband why he was doing this repeatedly.  His answer: “Guess.  It should not be difficult for you to find out.”

The housewife called her close friend and told her about the messages.  “I think my husband appears to be spending his post-lunch free time by listening to the soup song and dancing to its beat.  Since a few days the FM radio has been broadcasting it every afternoon.  Perhaps he wants me also to listen to it and dance.”

The friend:  “What a naive girl you are!   I remember you told me some days ago that your cook has gone on long leave and since then you have been doing the cooking yourself.   The SMS is your husband’s reaction to the food you have been sending him every day for his lunch!”  

National award for ...

A junior member of a political party spoke to a senior: “Our leader has been very jubilant since yesterday.  Any idea what the matter is?”

Senior: “He is very happy from the moment he learned that the Central Government is going to amend the rules governing the award of Bharat Ratna by enlarging its eligibility criteria.  Accordingly, a citizen who has excelled in “any field of human endeavour” will qualify for the highest civilian award.”

Junior:  “How does it help our leader?”

Senior:  “He believes that what he has done in his own area of specialty is monumental and the chances of anybody repeating it in future are very remote.  In fact, because of it he has come to be known all over the country and abroad.”

Junior: “Why don’t you be more specific?”

Senior:  “He thinks he is now eligible for the award, as his track record is insurmountable in his special field of human endeavour – corruption.”

December 31, 2011 (750 words)

                                                                         ***     



MARVELS OF THE WORLD -- 19 : THE EIFFEL TOWER, FRANCE

THE EIFFEL TOWER : RESPLENDENT BY NIGHT

(By Subbaram Danda)

The Eiffel Tower on the southern bank of river Seine in Paris, France, is a majestically soaring commemorative column of lattice-work, hailed universally as “one of the most romantic and beautiful monuments of the world” and “the queen of all attractions” in the city.   The 986-foot tower was set up to serve as an entrance structure for the World Exposition organized in 1889 to mark the centenary of the French Revolution.  It was named after French structural engineer Gustave Eiffel, who conceived, designed and erected it, boldly deviating from traditional practices.  

But, at the time of its construction about 300 French intellectuals looked at it as “a monstrous atrocity” and “a disgusting shack of battered tin.”   They included writers, painters, sculptors, architects and “lovers of the charm of Paris.”  In a petition of protest submitted to the city authorities they expressed their “all out indignation” at the iron tower and said it was an affront on the “rich French taste, art and history.”  They felt a metallic monument was an antithesis in the finely creative environment of Paris. 

Great beauty

The Eiffel Tower

The tower is undoubtedly a great beauty in its own right.  A specially devised iron pylon, it stands on four outstretched legs anchored at the four corners of a huge square in a lush park.   Four artistically framed arches connect and hold them.   The leg shafts curve elegantly upwards tapering gradually and join together in slender grace rising to the intended height.   The tower, painted in a special shade of dark brown, shines uniquely day and night.  Its distinctive poise and remarkable vertical sweep impress the visitors.   Though it is visible from anywhere in the French capital and its suburbs, they come to the site to watch it from a close range and to admire the panoramic view of the city from its top.

It took only two years and two months to build the tower.  It was made of “puddled iron,” a type of wrought iron prepared in a special furnace in a particular way to make it pure and strong.  More than 18,000 iron pieces, each got up in a desired shape, were pre-fabricated and fixed together.   Finally the “iron lady,” as the tower was nicknamed, emerged dominating the Paris skyline in stark contrast to “the great cathedrals and palaces of France that had been built in stone and mortar with all ornamentation.”  The “bare frame without any skin” gave rise to protests but they died down in the march of time.

Paris view from third level: Ferries sailing on the Seine

When it was completed the tower was twice as high as the Washington monument in the US, which ruled as the tallest edifice at that time.   It held its record till 1930, when the Chrysler Building in New York in the US superseded it.   Its height kept on increasing with the frequent addition of broadcast antennae to its top.  Its latest height is 1,063 feet.  

The Eiffel tower has three levels with observation platforms at each, all accessible by elevator.  The first level is at 187 feet and has a post office, where “Eiffel Tower post mark” can be got on post cards bought there.   Special stamps can also be purchased.  A restaurant is located here.  The second level at 376 feet features another restaurant and the third platform is at 905 feet.

From any platform in the tower people can see the charming Paris skyline.   For a closer view of famous landmarks, the second level appears better.  In clear weather, one can gaze up to 70 kilometres.  It is generally agreed that one hour before sunset, the panoramic view of Paris from the tower is spectacular.   The descent of the sun down the horizon comes out in colourful splendour that can also be captured beautifully on camera.     

Resplendent by night

Watching the Eiffel Tower from a luxury ferry cruising on the Seine at dusk is an exhilarating and unforgettable experience.  As twilight turns the sky gradually into a black canvas, brilliant golden yellow lights come on the high tower converting the entire monument into a glittering spectacle of delight.  Two search beams of light keep on rotating from its top.  Adding further elegance to it, bright blue flash lights artistically placed on the structure start sparkling every hour and last ten minutes.  When this takes place, occupants in the ferry turn rapturous and euphoric clapping and crying, “what a sight, what a show!”  The ferry keeps on sailing and the wavy ripples of the river shimmering in reflected light cast a magic spell on them. 

The tower commands some unique features.  The sway of the 10,100-tonne tower in strong winds is imperceptible with no impact on its stability.   The maximum swing was 13 c.m. recorded during a storm in 1999, when winds blasted through the city at 240 kilometres per hour.   It has 1,665 steps from the ground level to the top.  Earlier, visitors were allowed to climb all the way to the top but now only the first two platforms can be reached that way.  For the third level, people have necessarily to use the elevator.   It was an expensive tower – it cost eight million French francs at that time.    

Hitler at the tower

During World War II, the tower witnessed the occupation of Paris by Germans and also its liberation ultimately.  Guides say that in 1940 when Nazi forces invaded Paris, their supremo Hitler, who had earned the strange reputation of being an art lover, could not use any elevator to go to the top to take a look at the city’s majestic skyline, as Parisians had by then damaged important cables.   However, he posed for a photo in front of it.  This led the French to proudly articulate that “Hitler conquered France but not the Eiffel Tower.”  Towards the end of the Second World War, when the Allies were marching to regain Paris, Hitler ordered his military governor of the city to bomb the tower, but his diktat was defied.    



Bust of Eiffel

 The Eiffel Tower has been at the centre of significant activities.  In 1985 a thrilling scene for James Bond’s film “A View to Kill” was shot there.  As the daring and romantic British spy chases the movie’s leading lady, she jumps out of the tower in a parachute.  In 1989, when its centennial was organized, special fireworks lasting 89 minutes made it a dazzling spectacle par excellence.   At the turn of the millennium on January 1, 2000 it hosted “the most incredible pyrotechnic display.” 
  

Eiffel’s modest bust

Visitors do not miss to see a modest bust of Eiffel erected at the base of the tower on a tall pedestal.    The legend “Eiffel 1832-1923” engraved on the pedestal is conspicuously simple.  More than seven million people visit the Eiffel Tower every year.   It inspired construction of similar towers in several other countries, including the US, England, Australia, Japan and China.  A 330-foot replica of the tower is coming up at Yanam, a part of the former French territory of Pondicherry in India. 

December 24, 2011 (1180 words)

                                                              ***







HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 21

HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 21

(Compiled by Subbaram Danda)

Why are some orators highly successful?  An analysis

has shown that they make it a point to liberally

incorporate sparkling jokes in their speeches.

In reality, it is not the substance of their

talk but the quality of their humorous

interludes  that  grabs and holds

the attention of the listeners.

The network ‘veri’

The Chief Executive Officer of the most popular social network had a dream, in which he did penance praying to God with all devotion.    Pleased with his act, God appeared before him.

CEO:  “God, I am thankful to you.   I seek your blessings and help for a new venture of mine.”

God:  “Go ahead, let me know.”

CEO:  “Now, my network finds itself on slippery slopes of containment.  China is controlling flow of information.  Pakistan has its own restrictions.  Now India is threatening to impose curbs.   The trend appears to be spreading fast and I have to take timely action.   Even in the free world, competition is growing…..”

God:  “Okay.  Come to the point.  What do you expect from me?”

CEO:  “I am looking for your clearance to introduce my network in Heaven.”   

God:  “That sounds overambitious.   You seem to ensnare me in your clever moves.”

CEO:  “Please forgive me.   I would like to receive from you a list of all earthlings now in Heaven, who had been avid users of my network on earth.  In fact, they were my source of strength from the beginning.  I look forward to their co-operation in Heaven too.”

God appeared puzzled and said:  “That is impossible.  None of them is in Heaven.  They are all in Hell.

CEO was surprised but went on: “God, why are they in Hell?” 

God: “Back on earth, they were all irretrievably addicted to your network and consequently they neglected their personal and family duties and responsibilities. Now they are in Hell not only for atonement of their sins but also for a de-addiction programme, as they have been feeling fish out of water without the network!”

Heaven-bound or Hell?

Professor of Hindu Law narrated a story to his students and posed a question:   “A priest conducting religious discourses frequently and a taxi driver of a busy city died on the same day and found themselves in the court of Lord Yama, God of death and dispenser of justice.  After hearing their past deeds from Chitragupta, the chronicler of human activities, Lord Yama delivered his judgment.  Accordingly, one of them went to Heaven.  Who is it?”

A student:  “It is the taxi driver, professor, and not the priest.”

Professor: “Why?” 

The student:  “My reasoning is simple based on universal truth.  I know that men and women go to a discourse essentially to meet their friends and engage themselves in gossiping.  The priest can never instill a sense of piety in them.   Thus his discourse is a wasteful exercise.”

Professor: “Go ahead.”  

The student:  “But, when the taxi driver manoeuvres his vehicle through busy streets in an overcrowded city, he makes the occupants pray to God and they cry O’God, O’God!”  

God is great !

A fully drunk middle-aged man in tattered clothes with disheveled hair was lying uncared for on the side of a main road near an Indian monastery.  A near-empty bottle of whisky was popping out of his torn jacket pocket.  He was clutching in his left hand a small FM radio.  

A saffron-clad monk of the monastery passing by noticed him and wanted to help.  Extending a hand, he made him sit up.   Asking him whether he wanted any assistance, the monk started giving him some good advice.  “God will always forgive people who realize their mistakes.  You should give up drinking and lead a life of virtue.  Your health, physical and mental, will become all right.  I can also help you find a job, if you need one.”

The drunk, still in an inebriated state, asked him: “Tell me why one gets severe back pain and suffers from it excruciatingly?  What is the way out?”

The monk:  “People who consume intoxicating liquors, drug-addicts, chain-smokers, thieves, cheats, bad characters and perverts get it.  That is how God punishes the wrong-doers.   However, reformed good-behaviour and regular prayers will help getting cured.”

The drunk, pointing to the monastery, said:  “I just heard on the radio that Uttama-Shreshta, head of the mission over there, has developed severe back pain and is unable to move about. Poor guy.  I think he needs counseling.” 

December 17, 2011 (740 words)

                                                                     ***

MARVELS OF THE WORLD -- 18 : THE HERMITAGE MUSEUM, RUSSIA

THE HERMITAGE MUSEUM -- ARTISTIC EXTRAVAGANZA

(By Subbaram Danda)

The Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg, Russia, is world famous not only for its finest art collection but also for the superb buildings where it is housed – the magnificent Winter Palace of czars and its five adjuncts.  With three million exhibits from all over the world and from ancient times to modern day, the museum is “one of the world’s richest repositories of art.”  The Hermitage, meaning a quiet retreat, cannot be meaningfully appreciated in a single visit.  

The collection had its beginnings in 1764, when Russian empress Catherine the Great purchased “a considerable number” of west European paintings for her personal possession.  Highly ambitious, only a couple of years earlier she had dethroned her own husband emperor Peter III after joining hands with rebels.   Talented and well-educated, Catherine had a special taste for exquisite artworks.    She ruled for 34 years and with her grew the exhibits.   Her successors too contributed to the cache.    After the Russian Revolution of 1917, the palace, its annexes and the entire collection have become the State Hermitage Museum.



The facade of Winter Palace

Fabulous palace

Today, as visitors walk towards the green-and-white three-storey Winter Palace on the banks of river Neva, its baroque architecture characterized by extravagant ornamentation, vibrant colours and bold contrasts stuns them.  Constructed to serve as the winter residence of the emperors and designed to reflect the might and sweep of imperial Russia, it has 1,057 lavishly decorated halls and rooms, 1,786 doors, 1,945 windows and 117 staircases.  A fire in 1837 was devastating but its restoration was fast.  Though large parts of the interior were redone, the exterior has remained almost untouched.

To reach the Winter Palace, visitors normally pass through a well-paved vast open area, called Palace Square.  Horse-drawn carriages saunter along offering to take the people around the museum for a charge.   At the centre of the square stands a 155-foot tall column erected to commemorate the victory of czar Alexander I, Catherine’s grandson, over French emperor Napoleon.  Called Alexander Column, it is described as “the tallest triumphal column in the world.”  A statue at its top holds a cross.   Weighing 600 tonnes, its main body is of red granite.



Jordan Staircase

Dazzling staircase 

Inside the Winter Palace, its main staircase itself is an amazing creation.  It dazzles the visitors with elaborately gilded artworks and captivating sculptures on its side walls.  Red-carpeted marble steps, shining granite columns and richly painted ceiling add to the overall ambience.   In the 18^th century, it was known as the Ambassadorial staircase, as it was used exclusively by foreign envoys coming for official receptions.   Later it came to be called the Jordan staircase, as religious processions led by the czar used it to go down to river Neva for ceremonies reminiscent of Christ’s baptism in the Jordan river.  

As visitors move from one large hall to another, one feature after another enthralls them.  Walls in pastel yellow, subdued pink, muffled blue or critical scarlet carry royal portraits and legendary pictures interspersed with masonry decorations.   No two flooring patterns, ceiling enrichments or door embellishments are similar.  The overhanging chandeliers are of various sizes, shapes and layers.   Vases of different dimensions, colours and designs can be seen at several points.  Spacious rooms display renowned paintings, famous sculptures, priceless jewellery, fabulous thrones, imperial carriages, ceremonial costumes, fine china, historical arms, ancient coins and many other works of antiquity.  

Golden peacock clock

Golden Peacock Clock

A major attraction the visitors do not like to miss is the Peacock Clock, which Catherine cherished most.   A wondrous time machine, it consists of a life-size peacock perched on an oak tree branch, an owl in a spherical cage and a rooster—all brilliantly gilded.  Every hour the owl cage rotates, tiny bells attached to it chime, the owl moves its head to and fro, blinks its eyes and taps its right foot.  The peacock raises its head, spreads its feathers, turns half a circle displaying its lifted feathers to the viewers and gets back to its original position.  Then the rooster nods its head several times and crows out the time.    The entire glittering exhibit is housed in a large multi-sided glass case.

The Russian contribution to the museum is understandably enormous.  The imperial halls recreate the fabulous palace life of the czars.   Each room is of a different style and period.  Bewildering is the fact that the walls and ceilings of drawing rooms are elaborately gilded.   The fabled thrones of the emperors are a major attraction.   The bronze bust of czar Peter the Great is noteworthy.  Carriages with gold-covered wooden carvings, upholstered with velvet and decorated with French paintings deserve a close look.    Warrior models in shining armour on horseback are of special interest.  Statues, bas reliefs, tapestries, memorabilia and military banners abound. 

The west European art

The Hermitage’s west European art collection is considered one of the finest in the world.  The pride of place goes to Italian works from the 13^th century to the 19^th, particularly those of great masters of the Renaissance – Leonardo da Vinci, Raphael and Michelangelo.   People spend considerable time appreciating Leonardo’s paintings of “Madonna and Child” and “Madonna with a Flower.”  The former highlights Madonna’s tender gaze at her child as she feeds it.  Connoisseurs say that the painting is a “great beauty for its colour and composition.”  The other painting realistically reflects the “warmth and charm of a mother’s feeling” as she holds a flower and plays with the child. 



Raphael Loggia

Raphael departs from the tradition in his canvas of “The Holy Family” and depicts St. Joseph without a beard.   A stroll down the Raphael Loggia, a long corridor with attractive high arches named after the Italian artist, enables the visitors to see gorgeous frescoes done by him and his pupils.  Elsewhere, among the many Italian sculptures are “The Crouching Boy” by Michelangelo, “The Ecstasy of St. Theresa” by Bernini and “Cupid and Psyche” by Antonio Canova.  

In the Dutch section, several paintings of Rembrandt stand out.   “Flora” is a portrait of Rembrandt’s wife, where he pours out his love and affection for her.   In “The Return of the Prodigal Son” the painter presents a biblical scene capturing complex emotions vividly.   Spanish painter Picasso’s cubist works are another major attraction.

Indian wing

The Indian wing is small.  An erotic sandstone sculpture of a couple, bronzes from south India and paintings from the Mughal, Rajput and Golkonda schools are its highlights.   Other oriental art is also well represented.  Among the classics, Roman and Greek sculptures as well as Egyptian relics, including stone coffins, draw huge crowds.   The Treasure Gallery has over 1,500 pieces of silver, gold and diamond jewellery.   

More than 2.5 million people visit the Hermitage every year.   For major cruise lines it is a “must-see” shore-excursion destination.  It is said that if a visitor devotes just a minute to one exhibit, several years would be required to rush through them.   It does not appear to be an exaggeration.

December 10, 2011 (1170 words)

                                                                               ***









HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 20

HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 20

(Compiled by Subbaram Danda)

Laughing out loud is of great therapeutic value.   It is

by itself an aerobic exercise.  Like in 'Pranayama,' it

prompts lungs to inhale air deeply, retain it and then

exhale.  Loud laughter is a remedy for many illnesses. 

Very very ‘Kolaveri’

Wife to husband: “It is 9 a.m. already.  Get up.  You have hibernated for too long.  This is not just the week-end but also the month-end.  You have a lot of things to do.”

Husband:  “Leave me alone for a while.  Don’t drive me crazy.”

Wife:  “What?  Remember you have to go for a walk.  It is more than a month since you have had a head bath.  Our son is waiting to learn Maths from you.  For the next month we have to buy provisions.   You have to get ready cheques for son’s school fees, house rent and car loan installment.” 

Husband sarcastically:  “That’s all?”

Wife, trying to smother his ire:  “Today for the evening tea I am going to prepare your favourite ‘Mysore Poli’ and crunchy ‘Vegetable Pagodas.’  But, I am looking forward to your help in the kitchen.”

Husband: “You are whipping up Kolaveri (murderous rage) in me and turning me into a different kind of a man.”

Stunned wife:  “Are you going to kill me, what?”

Husband condescendingly:  “No darling.  You have created sufficient stress in me and to fend it off I have to sing the famous Kolaveri song again and again.  Singing it and dancing to its tunes will make me a different man and pep me up sufficiently to do all the things you have listed.”  In a teaser he added:   “Would you like to join me?   We can dance together!” 

                 

Why so?

Teacher:  Can any one of you say why carrots are good for the eyes?

Student 1:  You only said it, Miss, in the class yesterday.  That’s why.  We trust you.

Student 2:  Our text book says so, Miss.  It is in print.  I read it last night.

Student 3:  I know that rabbits love carrots and eat a lot of them.   And they do not wear spectacles.

True prediction

A few leading astrologers and numerologists joined together and launched an online facility titled Stars-n-Planets offering a variety of services.   As a gesture of goodwill to mark the inauguration, their system invited interested married persons to answer its four questions and in return get free of charge an apt description of them. 

A clever housewife wanted to fool the system and see what would happen.   She logged into the website of Stars-n-Planets and clicked on the button ‘go.’   The first question popped up:  “Name a king you don’t like.”   Bent upon misleading the system, she typed “CooKING,” as she hated all kitchen-related work and had never cooked before her wedding.

The second question: “Name a king your spouse likes.”   The home-maker replied, “ClicKING.”  Her husband was a computer engineer, who spent a lot a time in front of the machine and loved to play with other modern hand-held electronic gadgets. 

The next question: “Name a king you both don’t like.”  The woman responded, “BanKING.”   The couple had seen several of their friends suffer from the collapse of banks in the past and, moreover, the rate of interest they got on their deposits was meagre. 

The last question: “Name a king you two like very much.”   She answered: “WalKING.”  The husband and wife were both gym frequenters and fitness freaks.  For them their health was of primary importance, as there was none to take care of them if they fell ill.

The housewife turned anxious to see what the system was going to say about her.  After a minute of agonizing silence, the prediction flashed:  “You are a typical Non-Resident Indian, torn between the happiness of the homeland and the dazzle of the dreamland!” 

December 3, 2011 (650 words)

                                                                                ***