HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 11

HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 11

(Compiled by Subbaram Danda)

 Real humour is laughing at something for at least

five seconds, thinking about it for the next

ten seconds and again laughing at

it for another five seconds.

Let all benefit!

A man and his wife were always seen quarrelling.  Not a day passed without at least a minor skirmish flaring up between them.

One day an argument reached a crescendo and blew up for no ostensible rhyme or reason.  The wife moved menacingly towards the man and was about to strike him.

Their dog, which was lying nearby and watching everything, sprang to its feet and in a split-second jumped between them in a bid to shield its master.  In the melee, the wife suffered a shock, lost her balance, fell to the ground and became unconscious. After some days of treatment in the hospital, she came back home but had lost her speech.

Friends and relatives, who came to see her, suggested that the dog be declared mad and handed over to municipal authorities for being shot dead.

But, the kind master decided against the move.  Instead, he wanted to give the dog free of charge to anybody willing to take it and look after it well.    So, he advertised in a newspaper offering the dog gratis and also provided all details about its past.   He wondered whether anybody would come forward to accept a dog with such a background.

On the appointed day he was aghast to see a long queue of jostling men, who had come for the dog.  Without losing much time, the master called the first man in the line and asked him what prompted him to respond.   Was it the attractive “free dog offer?”

The man replied instantly, “No, sir.  I have a terribly nagging wife at home to be silenced.”     

The dog’s owner pondered over for a minute, took a look again at the men in the queue and told him, “I am now having second thoughts.  I am not going to give away my precious pet once and for all.  I will only lend it for one week to one person at a time.  Let all benefit!”

The apt word

The English teacher was explaining to her students how to express the cries of different animals in the most appropriate way.   For example, she said, the lion roars, the pig grunts and the horse neighs.  She wrote down a long list on the blackboard for the students to copy and memorize.

At the end of the hour the students were given homework.  They had to fill up the blanks in the following:  the roaring of the          , the grunting of the          , the hooting of the          , the chirping of the          and the barking of the        .

The next day, one girl came up with these answers:  the roaring of the lion, the grunting of the pig, the hooting of the owl, the chirping of the bird and the barking of the husband.

The teacher called the student and asked her in a firm tone, “Who did your homework?  Tell me the truth.”  Trembling, the girl blurted out, “I am sorry, Miss.  My mother did the homework.”

Not a crime

The judge to the accused:  “I am releasing you in this case.  No charge against you is tenable.  The reason is simple – stupidity is not a crime.”

The lawyer of the accused:  “Thank you My Lord for acquitting my client.  We would like to seek the leave of the honorable court to file a defamation suit against the Prosecution for falsely implicating my client in the case.”

The judge: “It is not possible.”

The lawyer: “May I know the grounds, My Lord?”

The judge: “Stupidity is not a crime.”

July 30, 2011 

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MARVELS OF THE WORLD -- 08 : HAMPI RUINS, INDIA

HAMPI RUINS : SPEAKING STONES

(By Subbaram Danda)

The picturesque city of Hampi on the banks of the majestic-flowing Tungabhadra in the state of Karnataka, India, served as the capital of the successive rulers of the resplendent Vijayanagara empire.   During the reign of Krishnadevaraya in the early 16^th century, the kingdom witnessed the zenith of its glory.

Under the patronage of different rulers, magnificent temples came up, arts and literature flourished, free trade thrived and people appeared prosperous.  It is an astonishing fact that on the streets of the city, merchants sold diamonds, rubies, emeralds, sapphires and other gems in heaps and huge heaps.  Such a type of open trade in precious stones had never existed anywhere else in the world.  Brocades, fine silks, handicrafts and other items were also in plenty for sale.

 “The city is such that the eye has never seen a place like it and the ear has never heard of anything equal to it in the world,” a Persian traveller, who was in Hampi in 1443 AD, wrote in his memoirs.    But the decline of the Vijayanagara empire in the middle of the 16^th century and its ultimate fall to Muslim invaders followed by systematic plundering turned the city into ruins.

Fortunately today, a visitor to the 26-square-kilometre remains of Hampi can admire some temples, public buildings and a few monolithic statues that have escaped the onslaught with minimal damage.    Of course, he will be appalled to pass by fully razed royal mansions, barren stone pillars of shops and other monuments in various stages of devastation.  Every stone tells a touching tale.

Graceful image of Saraswati

Of significance are the temples of Virupaksha, Vittala and Hazara Rama, out of many.  The first one dedicated to Lord Shiva is claimed to be one of the “oldest functioning temples of India” with a lofty 170-foot gopura (entrance tower).  In the complex, there is a shrine, among several others, for Goddess of Learning Saraswati – a rarity.  The graceful blackstone image of a two-armed seated Goddess playing Vina, the traditional Indian musical instrument, is in the architectural style of the earlier Chalukya kings.  In another shrine one can find the idol of sage Vidyaranya, who had encouraged the establishment of the Vijayanagara empire. 

Wheels of the Stone Chariot

Only one of its kind Stone Chariot

The Vittala temple in honour of Lord Vishnu is said to be “the most magnificent of the religious edifices at Hampi.”  Among the many wonders it offers is a stone chariot in the front designed to serve as a shrine for Garuda, the bird mount of the presiding deity.   All ornamentation normally seen on a wooden ratha (processional car) can be found beautifully etched on this stone vehicle.  

An amazing feature is that the four stone wheels of the chariot rotate.  Intricate floral and other motifs adorn these moving granite discs.  Two elephants in the front appear to pull the chariot, but the jumbos are later additions to replace the two original horses, whose tails and hind legs can still be seen!   But, alas, the superstructure of the ratha in the shape of a vimana (tower above the sanctum) no longer exists.  The stone car, regarded as the only one of its kind in the world, is the most photographed monument in Hampi.

Another feature that stands out in the temple complex is a set of musical stone pillars.  They have been designed to produce distinct sounds of different musical instruments when tapped in the specified style.  It is disheartening to notice that the main sanctum sanctorum is empty.  When and how this came about is anybody’s guess.

The Hazararama temple, dedicated to Lord Vishnu in his aspect as Lord Rama, has been the royal place of worship.  It has derived its name from the Telugu word hazaram meaning entrance-structure in view of its proximity to the king’s palace.  It is known for its elegantly sculpted freezes depicting scenes from the sacred Hindu epic Ramayana in tiers running all around the main shrine and on the walls.    Alas, here also the image in the sanctum is missing.

Lotus Mahal

Lotus Mahal and Elephant Stables

Among the noteworthy buildings that still stand with limited destruction are the Lotus Mahal and the Elephant Stables, which have differently-designed roof-tops.  The first one, apparently used for royal consultations, is a two-storeyed structure with nine pyramidal towers, the central one being the tallest.  Seen from above it appears like a blooming lotus.   The second building is a long rectangular structure with eleven large domed chambers for state elephants.  Each dome is of a different shape and pattern.

Several royal buildings, about which foreign travellers had raved, have been reduced to basements now.  Of special interest is Mahanavami Dibba, a  granite-paved platform in three diminishing tiers named after the nine-day annual festival in honour of Goddess Durga and her various aspects.   Originally it had a superstructure of multi-storeyed gorgeously-decorated pavilions.   It is this mansion that the king and his entourage used on ceremonial and festive occasions.  He used to sit on a gem-studded golden throne and watch processions go by.  Similarly, in the vicinity there is a large ornate granite base believed to be the remnants of a royal palace.   The king’s Audience Hall and the Queen’s Palace, which once flourished, are also in a battered shape today.

However, the Queen’s Bath with a plain exterior and an ornate interior attracts everybody’s attention.  “It is surrounded by decorated corridors and projecting balconies with remnants of elaborate stucco work.”

Mighty sculptures

Several large-sized stone sculptures of gods of the Hindu pantheon stand majestically at different points though they had been tampered with.  The 22-foot monolith of Lakshminarasimha with a seven-hooded snake above the head, a 10-foot Linga (symbolic representation of Lord Shiva), whose base stands permanently in flowing water, and a couple of images of Ganesa are of interest.

While granting the World Heritage Site status to the “Hampi Group of Monuments” in 1987, UNESCO singled out the stone chariot for praise and described it as “one of the unusual creations.”   It observed that “imposing monumental vestiges….make Hampi one of the most striking ruins of the world.”

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HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 10

HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 10

(Compiled by Subbaram Danda)

"Laughter is a tranquilizer with

no side-effects."

-- Arnold Glasow, American Humorist

The czar proves himself

The God of Heaven introduced several reforms to make the lives of the inmates of the paradise more enjoyable.  Accordingly, they could now go out, saunter round the universe but should come back as soon as possible.

The early bird to take advantage of the new regulations was great scientist Einstein.   Then it was the turn of renowned painter Picasso and the third in line was a czar of Russia.   It was a refreshing outing for the three and each one went in a different direction to admire the working of the planets, stars and distant galaxies.

The first to return was Einstein.  The guard at the gate to heaven asked him to prove his identity as per the new norms.   A bit puzzled, Einstein took out a paper and wrote down several equations.  At the end there was the famous formula E=mc².   The guard instantly recognized him and allowed him inside.

Next to report was Picasso.  To establish his identity he drew a few pictures and managed to get in without much difficulty.

The third was the czar.  The guard asked him to identify himself.  The czar was perplexed and racked his brain.  The guard said, “Only a short while ago, Einstein and Picasso were here and they showed their work, which had brought them name and fame on earth, so that I could easily recognize them. You can do something like that.”

The czar replied, “Who are they?”   The guard looked at him amazingly, pondered over for a minute and then permitted him inside.   None else but a czar could be so ignorant, he mused.

Change for better!

A renowned Yoga exponent was making special efforts to put a celebrity chain-smoker on the path of de-addiction.  After a month of classes, he enquired with the smoker’s son about his progress.

Yoga guru to son: “Do you see any perceptible change in your father?”

Son: “Yes, sir, a lot of change.”

Pleased guru: “That is reassuring.  Tell me more.”

Son: “My father has totally stopped smoking, while standing or sitting.   But, while practicing the special asanas you taught him, he smokes a lot.  It appears it is very difficult to smoke doing those asanas but he has taken it as a challenge.    He now says he gets a better kick from smoking that way.”

Psychological satisfaction comes free

A modern multi-specialty hospital, which has just come up in the city, has introduced “a highly patient-friendly” phoning system.  It will prompt the caller to press the appropriate button to get connected to the relevant specialist depending upon the nature of the patient’s ailment.

On receiving the call, a programmed voice will suggest:

Press 1 if you want to seek treatment for urinary infection

Press 2 for problems of bowel movement

Press 3 and 4 one after another twice for schizophrenia

Press 5 patiently 72 times for low heart-beat

Press 6 without losing temper 130 times for low blood pressure

Press 7 repeatedly as long as you like for obsessive compulsive neurosis

Press 8 for any other disease.   As we are yet to recruit specialists for these conditions, we are sorry we provide no treatment for such ailments at present.

Press 9 if you are our regular patient and are likely to fall unconscious after receiving our bill

Press 0 if you are not happy with our services.  You can yell at us as long as you want, and our exclusively-trained customer relations doctor will listen to you but he won’t respond nor take any action.   We assure you this will give you immense psychological satisfaction.  This new state-of-the-art facility is our specialty and comes free of charge!

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MARVELS OF THE WORLD -- 07 : "FORBIDDEN CITY," CHINA

"FORBIDDEN CITY" : IMPERIAL MAGNIFICENCE

(By Subbaram Danda)

The term “Forbidden City” conjures up visions of a mysterious and eerie place with no access to it for outsiders.   It kindles the curiosity of everyone to know who its residents are and what transpires inside.   In reality, it is a vast palace complex, where generations of Chinese emperors lived in ostentation and ruled their large country.  Commoners were not allowed inside and hence the name.  But they held it in high esteem, as they regarded the emperor as the Son of Heaven.

The “Forbidden City,” located on a sprawling 180-acre site at the center of Beijing, is composed of a string of palaces, about 900 other buildings, large courtyards, terraces, pavilions and gardens.   Collectively known as the Imperial Palace, it was the seat of power for as many as 24 emperors belonging to the Ming and Qing dynasties from 1420 AD.   It has been a museum since 1925. 

Now, all people, including foreigners, can visit the complex, saunter round the enormous area and savour the ancient Chinese imperial delights.   Situated immediately to the north of the well-known Tiananmen Square, it is rectangular in shape and is surrounded by a massive wall of fortification 30 feet in height and a moat 165 feet in width.   It is “the largest palace complex in the world.”

Incredible job

How the construction materials were moved to the site is incredibly fascinating.   To transport large blocks of stone from a suburb of Beijing in sub-zero conditions, engineers created a long icy path by pouring water on frozen soil and a large number of horses pulled them forward.  Wood posed even more problems.   Felled giant trees had to wait till torrential rains came to get washed into rivers, where boatmen took over.  In the construction, which lasted about 15 years, more than a million workers were involved.

Hall of Supreme Harmony

Of great significance in the complex are six major palace buildings, popularly known as halls, which stand majestically one behind the other.  The first three near the main entrance close to the Tiananman Square constitute what is called the Outer Court, while the other three the Inner Court.  It is from the Outer Court that the emperor discharged his kingly duties.  In the Inner Court the emperor lived with his family in all pomp and luxury.

The front building in the Outer Court called the Hall of Supreme Harmony served as the venue for grand ceremonies like coronations, royal weddings, birthdays and festivals.  The emperor also held his court there. 
 

Described as the “most spectacular of all the palace buildings,” it stands on top of a vast three-tier raised marble platform with  balustrades all around displaying dragon and phoenix motifs, symbols of the emperor and the empress.   It is the highest structure in the complex at 100 feet in height.  It has a double-layer wood-supported roof of glazed tiles with the figures of eleven mythical animals on its upturned eaves -- a sign of the highest social order of the king. 

Golden throne

Inside there are many pillars, of which the central six are gilded with figures of dragons coiling around them.  The rest are painted in red.   The ceiling is ornate with intricate art work.  At the centre of the hall is a Ming-dynasty-made golden throne.  A gilded screen behind adds to the opulence of the ambience.

The Ming dynasty golden throne 

Standing in front of the hall a man can transport himself to a dream world, where he can visualize the magical scene of an emperor entering the hall with his entourage amidst royal trappings.  A guide narrated with élan:  “When the emperor sets himself on the throne, his ministers, nobles and officials kneel down and chant in chorus “Long live, Your Majesty.”  Fragrant smoke from incense burners curls up, bells chime, drums beat and crackers burst.  Then the court begins.”

Mistresses and eunuchs

Among the Inner Court halls, the Palace of Heavenly Purity is remarkable, though it has been designed to be less prominent than the Hall of Supreme Harmony.  This served as the living palace for many emperors and their families.  It is said that the emperors, being highly conscious of their personal security, changed rooms of their stay every night!  There are buildings in the complex for hundreds of mistresses of the emperor, his relatives and numerous eunuchs.  

It is claimed that the complex is studded with one million treasure pieces.   Separate halls have been earmarked for artifacts and royal collections.  In one hall there are about 200 antique clocks, including a “water-operated clock.”   Personal effects of the kings are also on display.

At strategic points a visitor can see large-sized bronze statues of animals like lions, elephants, cranes and turtles, and huge incense burners, which have a significant place in the Chinese culture.   As a fire-prevention measure, over 300 large vats have been positioned to hold water at different points in the complex.   And behind all the buildings, there is an Imperial Garden with many old pines, cypresses and rare trees, besides various flower plants and lawns.

The “Forbidden City” attracts about 8 million visitors a year.   According to UNESCO, which accorded it the World Heritage status in 1987, the complex “can be called a masterpiece in Chinese, even world, architectural history.”

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HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 09

HUMOUR UNLEASHED -- 09

(Compiled by Subbaram Danda)

"Humour is a gift we can go on giving

without parting with it." -- Anonymous Writer

Fish out of water

A woman to her neighbour: “Hi, you seem to be off colour.  What happened?”

The neighbour: “I am alone.  My husband has gone on a foreign tour for ten days.”

The woman: “What a pity!  Normally, he takes you along with him, whenever he goes abroad, no?  Sure, I can understand, you are upset over his new attitude.”

The neighbour: “No, not that.”

The woman: “Security problem?  If you want any help, call me any time.”

The neighbour: “My worry is that for ten long days I have to carry on without being able to shout at my husband.  I feel fish out of water.”

Let live and live

A man, who was suffering from a stomach ailment, consulted a doctor.  The physician, after examining him, prescribed him some tablets and asked him to take them for three days.  He collected Rs.500 towards his fees.  The man went to a pharmacy and bought the tablets for Rs.200.

On his way back home, the man met an old friend and narrated his health problem.  The friend snatched the doctor’s prescription and tablets, saw them intently and threw them into a ditch.

Aghast at this brash act, the man howled, “What have you done?  I have paid Rs.500 to the doctor.”

The friend:  “Be cool.  The doctor has to live, no?”

The man: “I shelled out Rs.200 for the tablets.”

The friend:  “Be cool.  The pharmacist has to live, no?”

The man:  “You have thrown the tablets away.”

The friend: “Be cool.  You have to live, no?  He is a fake doctor.”

Cool treatment

An elderly woman from a traditional Indian family went to Paris to stay with her son and daughter-in-law for a few months.  Before she went, her friends and relatives advised her not to grumble over the attire of the people there, their personal make-up and their indifference to traditional practices.  “Always keep in mind that you are visiting the fashion capital of the world,” they exhorted her.

The woman had her first shock when she saw her d-i-l in pants and a T-shirt.  She had expected her to wear a sari at least on the first day of the elder’s visit.  She had her second shock when she noticed that her d-i-l was not wearing the red vermillion mark on the forehead.   She was about to raise a hue and cry but controlled herself.

The mother-in-law’s blood sizzled when she discovered that her d-i-l was not wearing the Mangalasutra, the customary sacred thread worn by married Hindu women around their neck    believed to represent the husband.  For a close bond with him and for his wellbeing, tradition requires, it should be worn always.  Only widows appear without it.

Fretting and fuming, the old woman called her d-i-l and asked her in a firm tone, “Where is your Mangalasutra?”  Unruffled, the d-i-l replied, “I assure you, mother-in-law, it is safe.  I have kept it in the fridge.” 

For the senior, it was the last straw on the camel’s back.  The tradition-bound elderly woman could not control her rage anymore and shouted, “What the hell you mean?”  The d-i-l did not lose her temper and said, “Yes, madam, the idea is that as long as it is there, your son will be cool.”

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